The Haitian Invasion in Montreal

About two weeks ago I was on MSN talking to my boy DVD and we were talking about the SilverbackGorillas, the NBA and the like. I was wondering what I could write about at the time and then DVD struck gold. The instant messaging convo reached its apex when he suggested I write about the different types of Haitians living in Montreal. Now keep in mind, I am of Haitian descent and yet I initially dismissed the idea. Then I thought about it, everyone has a story involving them and a Haitian. So I might as well tackle the different types out there living in the heart of the city of Montreal. So without further ado, I bring to you the Mtl-H. Quick disclaimer: It is possible for one person to fit several categories.

Pouchons
In creole (Haitian language), a Pouchon (pronounced poo-shon) is a man that is extremely handsome. In Haiti, if you are deemed to be over the top handsome, people might just replace your actual name and call you Pouchon. When I was about eight years old, I remember having an uncle who's name was Ernst. But dude was so over the top that everyone just called him Pouchon. In Montreal, a Pouchon is a dude that is handsome, dresses well, knows how to talk (very underrated, most people don't know how to properly talk to people) and always has his hair and beard lined up.
Exhibit A: DVD

Fresh of the Boat (FOB)
In general, these guys are in Montreal to study. You will mostly find them at schools such as Montreal University, McGill College and UQUAM. They speak with very thick Haitian accents, rock the silk shirts and the shoes that can kill roaches in the corner of a wall. They might struggle speaking to people in english, but their written and spoken french is usually quite on point. In general, the Fresh of the Boat Haitian has not yet been corrupted by the city. So they might shy away a little at first from anything involving clubbing, drinking and smoking. It might take them a while to get accustomed to the way of life of Montreal. But once they do, you might never know they were once a FOB. People have trouble believing that, but look no further; I was once a FOB (and I say that in all seriousness).

The Cluhb Hopper
I rarely hit cluhbs anymore (like at all) so please forgive me if my references are somewhat dated. TheCluh Hopper is the dude you see every Sunday at club Tokyo (like I said, very dated reference, that cluhbclosed down like 10 years ago), every Thursday at Club Extreme and every Saturday at club Exit. In addition, you will recognize the Cluhb Hopper by two distinctive characteristics:
1. Dude rocks a uniform.
When you see him, he always rocks the same gear on that given night. For instance, on Sundays it will be the shades and the Jesus piece (for my white folks, a Jesus piece is a big chain with a cross on it) that best matches with that smooth V-neck he is rocking; on Thursdays he rocks that black dressed shirt with a pair of black dressed pants and sun glasses ; on Saturdays it will be that pair of black Sean John jeans that perfectly fall on his Timbs with the black Yankees baseball cap.
2. Dude knows all the order of the beats
Once the DJ starts spinning, the Cluhb Hopper already knows what other beats are coming. DJ's normally have a preferred order in which they play their tracks, but a person accustomed to that order will know what songs to expect because they are familiar with that DJ's style.

The Gangbanger
I just had to throw that one out there. Big shoutout to those guys. But that being said, I will not discuss them because well you know; just in case they do not agree with my assessment, I wish to live and write for another day. So I will not talk about the fact that you can spot them by their display of bandannas or flag colors (red or blue), or that they normally enter clubs at least 10 deep or their refusal to pay to enter partying establishments ( fancy words I know, I'm talking about cluhbs). Just remember, I never actually discussed this type of Haitian.

The Terrence Howard (The TH)
The TH is the Haitian dude that several of us know and roll with. He is the dude that exclusively hooks up with white women. He's the dude that goes to a party filled with gorgeous black women and says: "Man this party is weak, I shoulda stayed home". No offense white girls, but the TH usually patrols bars, cluhbs,malls, subway stations (shoutout to Metro St-Michel, Pie-IX, McGill and Longueuil) and his work place to find white women to hook up with. Like Chris Rock says, black women get more angry  then racist southern white men when they see a black man with a white woman. Make sure these black women don't see the TH in thecluhb.

The LL Cool J
The LL Cool J is the type that only deals with black women (seriously, when's the last time you heard LL hooked up with a white woman?); and I'm not talking about just Haitian women, black women period. He has no interest, appreciation or love for women of the lighter shade. The closest he's ever been with a white woman is a biracial woman with one white parent.
Exhibit B: Qwest

The Dolemite
The Dolemite is the type of Montreal Haitian that hooks up with white women in the quest of a casual sex relationship. He has no interest in entering a relationship with a caucasian woman. However, he will enter a relationship with a black woman. Don't send me any hate mail, I'm just the messenger ladies. But if you're not convinced, go to Montreal-Nord (northern part of the island of Montreal, where a very high percentage of Haitians reside) and observe the interactions of black males with caucasian women in contrast to their interactions with black women. Fascinating stuff.

The "Ti-Moun de Bien" (creole term that means the good kid)
The Ti-Moun de Bien is the normally the Haitian that gets pegged as the goodie two shoes. He rarely if ever smokes, tends to shy away from alcohol, avoids debauchery, entertains great relationships with people and has a blog. Fine you got me, I made the last one up. Don't get it twisted though, he's not "perfect", he is just a person that for all intents and purposes is a good human being.

The Jean-Jacques Dessalines (The JJD)
Obviously not everyone is familiar with Haitian history so I will briefly touch on it. Dessalines was an army man directly involved with Haiti acquiring their independence. He was essentially a person that set a path for others to follow. In this case, the JJD is the guy that enhances the cluhbexperience for everybody in attendance. He is the guy at the bar poppin' bottles with his homies, giving drinks to those nearby and then hitting the dance floor. Once he hits the dance floor, he gives you a performance. He's got the moves and the swagger and also gets other to follow suit on the dance floor. However, with every JJD, there is ....

The Crumb Snatcher
For those of you familiar with Katt Williams' stand up shows, he talks very regularly of the Crumb Snatcher. He typically refers to him as the "bitch n*igga". The Crumb Snatcher is the guy that follows around the JJDand observes him. The JJD normally ends up hooking up with a woman or two at the cluhb, the Crumb Snatcher tries to pick up whatever the JJD leaves unattended. Basically, the Crumb Snatcher is a parasite trying to mooch off the JJD. No need for examples, I'm pretty sure everyone knows someone fitting this description.

In a nutshell, we've covered the different types of Haitians living in Montreal. If you feel as though I might have missed some (I'm pretty sure I did), feel free to drop me a comment or send me an email at ShyneIV@gmail.com telling me which Haitian I missed and I will gladly incorporate him into the list. That's the beauty of lists, we can always keep adding.