NFL Week 4 Picks

Detroit (1-2) @ Chicago (2-1): Commissioner Goodell has a lot of power. Check out my convo with him:

Shyne: Mr Commish, how were you able to add an expansion team to the NFL three weeks into the season?

Goodell: I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about. The NFL hasn’t had any expansion team in years.

Shyne: Well how do you explain the Detroit Lions then?

Goodell: I’m not sure I understand what you mean.

Shyne: It seems fairly obvious to me that the Lions were more of an exhibition game type of team for the past two years with the sole reason of giving other teams a confidence boost.

Goodell: Not the case at all. The Detroit Lions have a rich tradition with the NFL dating back to 1930. I suggest you get your facts straight.

Shyne: So the team went winless for nearly two years, had one of the worst general managers in league history and had its fans boo them on several occasions and you tell me they were part of the NFL during that time frame?

Goodell: Correct.

Shyne: Thanks for that insight, there’s no way I pick them to win in Chicago then until I see more.

Goodell: You’re preaching to the choir, I feel the same way.

Pick: Chicago wins 24-17.

Cincinnati (2-1) @ Cleveland (0-3): Ladies and gentlemen, the battle of Ohio. Although to be honest, the way I see this game shaping up, it might be more like the battle of entertainment. I’m not sure that this game will spark much interest for people with no allegiance to the Brows or the Bengals. Hence, we need Ochocinqo to choreograph some touchdown celebrations for his team as opposed to just him. Here a few:

-After a TD, his team lines up at the 40 yard line and Carson Palmer does his best to mimic Brady Quinn and throws a pass to Ochocinqo, who has changed into Braylon Edwards jersey, and drops the pass in the end zone;

-After Ochocinqo catches a TD pass, he puts on a Knicks jersey with number 23 on its back, signaling LeBron James’ deflection to New York;

-After a rushing TD, the Bengals line up at the 10 yard line and Cedric Benson rushes toward the end zone and fumbles the ball at the goal line; shades of Earnest Byner fumbling in the biggest game of the franchise’s history, the 1988 AFC championship game. Pick: Bengals win 24-20, and a drive by is done on the Bengals team bus if any of the celebrations occur.

Seattle (1-2) @ Indianapolis (3-0): My favorite TV character right now is super celebrity agent Ari Gold (portrayed by Jeremy Piven) from the HBO show Entourage. Ari is the guy you go see if you need to close a deal. He has no shame and will not hesitate to go after whatever it is that he wants. If that’s not enough, Mr. Gold does it with style. He rocks the shiny suit, comes into your conference room and makes everybody leave and brokers the deal on the spot. He manipulates situations to make sure he always comes out on top and that his peoples get exactly what they want and need. In addition, he’s smart, witty, obnoxious and always in peoples faces. Although it was probably not meant to be that way, he is the face of the show. Through three weeks in the NFL, Ari Gold is played by Peyton Manning. Pick: Colts win 30-23.

NY Giants (3-0) @ Kansas City (0-3): Kansas City might give the Giants a game. I mean they do have a very good home field advantage. In fact, it’s so good, that JaMarcus Russell won a road game at Arrowhead Stadium. It’s as if Arrowhead has become the Banks residence and the Chiefs have become Carlton Banks. Every visiting team that goes to Arrowhead happen to be the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Anyone remember what Will used to do to Carlton? He would make fun of him, ridicule him and embarrass him in front of his family. Well if Carlton’s family represents Chiefs fans, you can see where this is going right? The Fresh Prince will be cracking more jokes come Sunday. Pick: NY Giants win 23-17. 

Baltimore (3-0) @ New England (2-1): Cue in Michael Buffer:"In the white and purple corner, with an unblemished record of three victories all coming by knockout and spearheaded by Sugar Ray Lewis, the Baltimore Ravens (the crowd growls and boos). In the blue and white corner, with a record of two victories and one loss, led by former league MVP Tom Brady,  the New England Patriots. Ladies and gentlemen. For the thousands in attendance and the millions watching at home. This game is brought to you by Shyne's Hub. Patriots fans.....ARE YOU READYYYYYYYYYYY TO RUMMMMMMMMMMBLE!!!!!!!!!!" Baltimore marches into New England and makes a loud statement that will be heard around the NFL. Pick: Ravens win 24-20.

Tampa Bay (0-3) @ Washington (1-2): Are the Redskins bad enough to lose back to back games to a winless team? Keep in mind, their one win was against the Rams. With that said, I am putting all of my faith into the Redskins this Sunday; because if they lose, Dan Snyder will go broke trying to replace everyone on the team after the game. And I mean everyone. The dude that sells the popcorn, the security guards in the parking area, the dudes that clean the washrooms and so forth. Just in case though, I would suggest that all Skins' fans put their names on the waiting list for tickets to Baltimore Ravens games for next year. Pick: Redskins win 17-13.

Tennessee (0-3) @ Jacksonville (1-2): Huge AFC South match up. The Tennessee Titans still have yet to win a game whereas the Jags just won a game last week. The loser of this game probably ends up on the outside of the playoff picture. So you understand the magnitude of his game for both teams. Jacksonville plays at home, and yet, I have little to no faith in them to defeat the Titans. The Jacksonville defense has seemed subpar this year and they have that look of a team that’s accepted their fate. Don’t believe me? Look at old or recent tapes of Clippers games, then watch tapes of this season’s Jacksonville team. Let me know what you find. Pick: Titans win 19-16.

Oakland (1-2) @ Houston (1-2): Remember how a few years ago, the argument was that Vick had no business being a quarterback? Pundits said that Vick would be a far more talented running back or wide receiver because of his inability to stay in the pocket and pass ,and also because of his inability to properly read coverage. Well, it seems as though the same debate has arisen with another quarterback: JaMarcus Russell. He can’t pass it to guys that are open and he can’t pass it to guys that are covered. So please tell me, what’s left to do with him? I say play him at tight end (given his size, it would actually make sense) or at linebacker. The story out of Oakland is that Russell does not show the required dedication to be a franchise quarterback. If Al Davis were alive, there is no way that this would be happening. Speaking of which, I went on Facebook and typed in the name Al Davis in the search engine; look at the first four things that popped up (I seriously did this, give it a try yourself):

-Al Davis (other Public Figure)

-Al Davis just needs to let go…..

-Impeach Al Davis

-Al Davis Must Go!

At this rate, the Raiders might become an exhibition team like the Detroit Lions once were. Pick: Texans win 23-20.

 NY Jets (3-0) @ New Orleans (3-0): The Jets defense is so good that when Tom Brady traveled to the Meadowlands two weeks ago; the paparazzi was afraid to follow him around because they were afraid of getting hit. The Jets just keep sending people at you until they hit you. After they've gotten to you, they hit you some more. So the big question is this: how will Brees react after he gets hit? Does he take it like a man (I’m not talking about Plaxico taking it like a man; sorry for the graphic image I just placed in your head), or does he drop a JT and cry a river? I think Brees will play the role of Dr Doogie Howser (played by a young Neil Patrick Harris). He will be a fresh faced dude performing in a tough situation. Brees will get a few red zone opportunities but the Saints will settle for field goals. As it pertains to the Jets, De La Hoya’s pretty boy protégé (you know those guys must roll together; they are cut from the same cloth) will have trouble with his throws in the dome. He will have defensive linemen in his face all day which will ultimately result in a few mistakes. Pick: Saints win 31-27.

Buffalo (1-2) @ Miami (0-3): The Bottom half of the AFC East goes head to head with bragging right on the line for who sucks the most in the division. So who’s it going to be? Well let’s go straight to the locker room to get some insight on the Buffalo Bills.

Coach Jauron: You guys have to be willing to fight for anotha. You have to want every inch. You have to scratch and claw for that inch; because your life depends on it…

Marshawn Lynch: Not to cut you off coach, but we all done heard that line from that movie right there Any Given Sunday…

Coach Jauron: Oh. Well then. In that case…Let’s win guys!

We might as well get some insight on the Miami Dolphins right?

Coach Sparano: Inch by inch, yard by yard….

Ronnie Brown: Coach, that sounds like the Any Given Sunday speech. Does this mean I get to play the role of Steamin’ Willie Beamin? Yo boy is in a contract year!!!

Coach Sparano: Why else do you think we’re running the wildcat offense?

Ronnie Brown: “My name is Ronnie (teammates say Brownnnnn),

Try to take me (get knocked down),

No more Pennington or linebackers around (Cuz you G’d up like Nino Brown).

Pick: Dolphins win 20-17.

St. Louis (0-3) @ San Francisco (2-1): Times are tough out in St. Louis; and they are about to get tougher. The 49ers should be some really bad hosts as they treat the Rams like less the nothing. It must suck to be a Rams fan these days. Pick: 49ers win 23-16.

San Diego (2-1) @ Pittsburgh (1-2): Remember back in the old days, when you would turn on the TV and catch a Rocky movie on the tube? Rocky probably made a killing off of pay-per-view fights. Think about it, all of his fights were entertaining. Rocky would get the ish kicked out of him for a solid 10 rounds. Rocko literally took more punches in the fights against Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang and Ivan Drago then Lennox Lewis took in his whole boxing career. And yet, when he reached the final two rounds of his fights; Rocky looked like a man that just injected himself with a cocktail of cocaine, HGH and Red Bull. Rock would suddenly have this sudden burst of energy and would then pounce on his opponent and assault him with jabs, hooks, uppercuts, body blows and a few weird porn faces as Adrian looked on with tears of joy. By the middle of the last round, Rocky would win the fight by knocking out his adversary. That’s what the Pittsburgh Steelers have in store for the San Diego Chargers this Sunday. Pick: Steelers win 20-17.

 Green Bay (2-1) @ Minnesota (3-0): In the Week 3 recap, I deemed this the Montana-Young Bowl because it had shades of the old star going up against the current star of a given team. However, my comparison is a little off. Favre has a Super Bowl ring whereas Rodgers does not. So I had to re-think it a little and here’s what I came up with: the Brady-Bledsoe Bowl. I believe this comparison is a bit more on point (although still a little off). So what happens when the new guy goes up against the old guy? In a cold weather game, I would have picked the young guy. But in a dome game with the leagues best running back? Let me put it this way, if Batman went into a fight with Robin; who would you pick? Pick: Vikings win 27-23.

Carolina (0-3) @ BYE: Delhomme throws three more interceptions to keep the league lead.

Bye: Atlanta, Philadelphia, Arizona, Carolina.

 Last week: 12-4

Overall: 30-18