Booty Call Guidelines: Women's Code of Conduct

How are my fellow readers doing today? I have gotten several reviews for my article on the Men's Code of Conduct. In general, men and women liked the BCG for Men because it helped some of them understand the "do's and don't's" of booty calling. So with that said, it's only fair that we bring forth the Women's Code of Conduct right? Before going into detail about the BCG for Women, let's give out a few definitions.
Franchise Player: The franchise player is your #1 dude. He gets it done like no other (he can Moss the ish out of you) and is very familiar with the rules. He knows how to play the game and never oversteps his boundaries and keeps you happy at all times. Usually, if you're thinking about a possible hubby, it's your franchise player. You will kill plans with any other dude on this list because your franchise player offers no headaches or complications. Things are simple. The franchise player is also known as the "Tyson Beckford".

Superstar: Your friends like the superstar because he's cool and can hold his own whenever your girlfriends are around. Your superstar is extremely good at what he does and that's why you keep him around. The problem with the Superstar is that he gets around and is really open about it. So it's almost impossible to promote him Franchise Player status because he's too much of a man whore. In addition, he is able to hold his own with your friends, but you don't want to leave him alone with any of them for more then 7 minutes because he will manage to hook up with one of them. The Superstar is also known as the "Lil Wayne"or "Jack Sparrow".

Role player: Typically, the role player is a specialist. He is good if not great at that thing he does. He might even at times leave you asking for more, but then you remember that he is lacking in other areas. However, every now and then you might underestimate him and he might come up real big. That's the thing about roles players; the expectations are really low, so whenever he gives you a slightly above performance, you're left wondering what he did to you. However, the Role Player might be the type to try to keep it pimpin' with you but actually catch feelings and start trying to romance you. Avoid spending too much time with him. The Role player is also known as the "Justin Timberlake".

Bench player: Ladies, all of you have a bench player. The way you guys met him might differ but it's usually something along these lines: it had been a while since your last sexual encounter, you were on the 14th day of your menstrual cycle and he looked charming in the cluhb with the lights off after a few fruity drinks. You were desperate at the time and let him get some with you. The problem with the bench player is that he has no business hooking up with you; he's not really attractive, doesn't know how to act if he sees you in public and complains about you not calling him. More often then not, you hope no one finds out that you hooked up with him because it might scar your rep. The Bench Player is also known as the "Elephant Man" (yes, as in the reggae singer).

Injured Reserve (IR): This one is your last resort. If you are unable to hook up with any of the previously mentioned players, you might have to call on your Injured Reserve player. However, the reason you put him on the IR is because he showed a huge inability to Moss you. He either gets to the promise land too fast or takes too long to get there because of his inability to follow your flow. Normally, ladies call him up thinking that he's not that bad or that maybe he's gotten better; but then once all is said and done, you realize that there was a reason you didn't try hooking up with him more often before.

Moss: I realize that some of you might not have read the Men's Code of Conduct, so let me offer a quick definition of the word Moss. It stems from the name of NFL wide receiver Randy Moss who has the ability to just do things on a football field that are pretty impressive. No matter what, he always comes up big and impresses the hell out of people. he is so good that you expect nothing less from him then a flawless performance. Hence the term Moss or getting Mossed.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's tackle the Women's Code of Conduct.

Article I: The Sports Rule
Ladies, when you go over to his place and give him the business and it's all said and done, he will usually do or say something to insinuate that there might be a round 2. If you're cool with going for round 2, that's perfect, you can stay and do whatever. But in the event that he does not give any hints and he starts watching sports or whatever, then it's time to go. You must vacate the area faster then Tchernobyl. There are a couple of exceptions to this rule:

a. Superstar status
If you're his Superstar or Franchise player, you might be permitted to stay because you guys see each other enough to know the drill.

b. Sleep over
The man agreed in advance that you could sleep over.

c. Sports provision
Men will like watching sports with a person that has intricate knowledge of the sport in question. So if you know the sport and you are able to hold your own in a debate about Tom Brady vs Peyton Manning, then you may stay.

Article II: The CSI rule
CSI is short for Crime Scene Investigation. The people that are involved in the profession have the job of collecting and analyzing evidence found at crime scenes. It goes without saying, if criminals failed to leave evidence, they would probably never get caught. My point? It is of utmost importance to not leave any evidence of what happened if you went to the place of the guy you're seeing. Now I can already hear you asking: "What type of evidence are you talking about? I'm not on my period, so no blood left behind!" Great point, but that's not what I'm talking about. Let's run through the list of evidence:

a. Clothes
Never leave clothes behind, we might throw it out, burn it or give it to someone.

b. Jewelry (necklace, watch, rings, etc...)
I appreciate it if you take off your "blinged out" necklace before the act (you know, so it doesn't end up in my face and all), but please make sure to take it back afterwards. We don't want to have to keep it somewhere at our cribs, especially if you're not our Franchise Player.

c. Cell phone
Don't leave your phone behind. EVER. That just means we have to see you sooner then we thought we would have to.

Article III: The Mofone Rule
No need to google the word mofone because it does not exist. It's a word that I took the liberty of making up. The word mofone at its core comes from two words:
-mofo (which is short for motherf*cker)
-phone

The Mofone Rule stipulates that women have no right or business going through the man's phone to check out texts, call logs and/or pictures. Truthfully, I think this rule should apply in relationships as well but that might be pushing it a little. But seriously ladies, if you have the audacity to go through his phone, don't expect that to look good on your curriculum. The guy you're seeing might downgrade your status or worse yet, tell his boys you did that. Although some guys love the attention, in general they will stay clear of you once they find out you have the potential to have Cruise Syndrome.

Article IV: Cruise Syndrome
The Cruise Syndrome is named after Tom Cruise. I remember Tom Cruise for his performances in Top Gun and Days of Thunder. He seemed charismatic and charming (at least in my opinion) at the time. However, something weird happened to him. Anyone remember his appearance on Oprah in which he confessed his undying love for Katie Holmes? He came out and started jumping on the couch and did weird things that men are not supposed to do. Well in a nutshell ladies, that's the last thing dudes want to see from a woman. Men like to know what to expect from women. If you're a funny person, keep being funny. If you're a rude person, keep being rude. Men can accept that because they see you as consistent. But the moment you start doing things we did not expect, we get creeped out. For instance, if you hooked up with Pablo ( I use the name Pablo very often just as a generic name) and then he stops hooking up with you; do not....I repeat DO NOT start sending him text messages, emails or facebook notes asking why the sudden loss of interest. Unfortunately, that's just how things are, he might not call you for like two weeks; but if you get weird about it and start doing weird things, he might never call you again. The Cruise Syndrome is synonymous with cacthing feelings.

Article V: The A.C. Green Rule
A.C. Green was a professional basketball player in the NBA from 1985 to 2001. During Green's 16 years in the NBA, he played and hung out with the likes of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant. Needless to say, he played with five guys that will all one day end up in the Hall of Fame. But that's not his claim to fame ladies and gentlemen. Green was popular because of his refusal to engage into any form of sexual activity. Yup, A.C. Green told the world he was a virgin and that he was waiting for Ms Right before having sex. And remember, he played with Magic, Kareem, Worthy, Kobe and Shaq; so he saw an insane amount of groupies. But the most amazing out of all this story? People actually bought it. Think back to Dre's 2001 Chronic skit: "Livin' like A.C. Green, b*itch don't call here anymore!!" Now that you guys have the historical background, let's explain the rule. The A.C. Green rule stipulates that women must accept whatever ridiculous explanation or lie coming from their booty call as the truth. The reason? Some men are just completely uncomfortable telling the truth. It's true. So making a big deal with your booty call about a lie really isn't constructive. In fact, it just kills the vibe of therelationship. There are only a few exceptions when it comes to unacceptable lies:

a. STDs
Pretty self-explanatory. You can't lie about not having an STD. You got one, you have to spill it.

b. Faulty condom
If he fails to mention the condom broke, and you find out it did, you have the right to spaz on him.

c. Non-consensual video
Ladies, if he films your sexual encounter without your consent and you find out and he still denies it; by all means make a huge scene. Hell you can even say his small Oscar Meyer gave you an STD.

Article VI: Cluhb Swagger
This rule came out in the BCG for men but it also applies to women. If you see the guy you're sleeping with in the cluhb (purposely spelled that way to reflect black pronounciation), you are forbidden to act like he's your man or a guy that you've been with intimately. In addition, you have no right to hang within 20 feet of him, it might discourage him from drafting any potential prospects for fear of C-Blocking. The only acceptable gestures are a look and a nod from the head, a pound or a text asking if it's on tonight. Anything else is grounds for demotion. Don't walk into the cluhb trying to impress your friends because of who you're sleeping with; you might end up looking like a fool when he acts like he doesn't know you.

Article VII: The Katt Williams rule
Katt Williams is a comedian that has done various shows. One of my favorite ones is the Pimp Chronicles because of his humerous takes on Michael Jackson and real men. But more specifically, Katt said something half seriously and half jokingly: he said that women needed to stop saying that "dudes ain't sh*t, but rather need to figure out why they keep attracting ain't sh*t dudes". The reason women keep attracting these dudes? They lie. It's extremely important to keep it real with men. If you let him believe that he hit it right and that he Mossed when he didn't, expect him to start talking a great game and acting like he knows how to lay the pipe right. So to all the women out there, it is imperative to always give men honest feedback regardless of how harsh it is. Doing so will keep men grounded and looking to do better. Unfortunately, it's human nature, people that think they are great at something, tend to get cocky and overconfident. If you keep them in line, it might limit the damage. If all women do their part, the guys that have no business walking around with a bunch of swagger will stop doing it and be somewhat more humble. It's the best way to obtain peek performance.

Article VIII: The Tia Rule
50 Cent has been at the heart of a rap beef turned personal with Miami rapper and self-proclaimed boss Rick Ross. 50 did the unthinkable when he solicited the mother of Rick Ross' child, a woman by the name of Tia. He has made a music video with her, interviewed her and brought her to his house. In addition, Fiddy went as far as making a song called "Tia told me" which is highlighted by this line: " Call me crazy go ahead call me crazy, me and your baby mama done been intimate maybe..." With that said, we have the Tia rule. Ladies, it's not cool to share intimate details of your encounters with the friends of that person. Seriously, the last thing I want to know is that my homeboy is a two minute man, it kind of makes me see him different especially if he's talking tough talk about his performances. And yes, this rule came about because a woman I know violated the Tia rule and spoke about somebody's shortcomings. In the same breath, you cannot divulge how awesome he is either; because it creates a situation where people will just assume he's not Mossing it if you refuse to disclose the 411.

Article IX: Phone Use
This rule was present in the Men's Code of Conduct but is different in the women's version. Why? Not to generalize, but women tend to have way more options then men. Keep in mind, I'm not saying that women are easy, but rather that it is easier for them to get a hook up because rarely does a man turn down a hit. So let's proceed:

a. Franchise Player
Unlimited texting is permissible with your FP and you may also call him up to a maximum of 3 times on a gven day. Normally he will be somewhat happy as long as the conversation is just small talk.

b. Superstar
The Superstar is quite particular because he tends to have a ton of options (you know from being a bit of a man whore); therefore it might be a little tougher to grab his attention because his phone is like a 1-800 hotline. So in his case, you may send him 10 to 12 texts on any given day; but check the frequency at which he replies. It's one thing if he's at work, but if not at work and he replies to you after a couple of hours, don't bother him; he's busy. Calling him is almost off limits. It's better to wait for his call because if you call him and he picks up, he might brush you off the phone; and you're not allowed to get mad at him.

c. Role Player
Your role player gets 3 texts in the day. His job is to fill a role ladies, if he can't fill it on that day with 3 texts, don't bother calling him. But if he's responsive and willing, you can call him later in the day to set something up. Yes, only one call.

d. Bench Player
Remember ladies, the circumstances in which you met your bench player were shady. You were desperate and he looked good but really he's not attractive and you might be ashamed if seen in public with him. So as a result, your Bench Player is eligible for 2 texts in the day and call back. This means you cannot call your bench player, your bench player must call you back to justify his interest. Trust me, he'll be more then happy to call you back because you're out of his league.

e. Injured Reserve
The IR is your last resort. So he gets a text during the week and is obligated to call you back one hour after receiving it. You are not allowed to call him. Your Injured Reserve must and will call you back as soon as possible.

 Article X: The Rock Rule
Dwayne Johnson used to be an extremely popular wrestler (still my favorite) because of his ability to entertain inside the ring as well as outside the ring. For those of you who have no clue, Johnson was also known as the Rock. I have never seen a person work crowds quite like the Rock. He always knew how to get the fans involved and also how to give them their full money's worth. Rocky had two lines that will properly illustrate the Rock Rule:
1. "Young lady, what is your name?" and as the person starts answering, he immediately shouts " IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!"
2. "The Rock says this, how about you know your role and shut your mouth!"

 What does this mean for you ladies? Play your position! You need to know how to fall in line; and by that I mean that you cannot ask him what your position is or where you guys stand, you need to know from what is mentioned in here where you stand. Once you know that, you must review the guidelines in order to know what you can and cannot do with him. Because remember, if you're his role player but you can't follow the rules and act accordingly, he can always promote his bench player to your slot and then demote your ass. The only "untouchable" is the Franchise Player.There you have it, the Booty Call Guidelines: Women's Code of Conduct. The BCG might be revisited in the next few weeks of months in case there were any omissions. Feel free to leave feedback and I will gladly respond.