Booty Call Guidelines: Men's Code of Conduct

Back again folks, this time I decided to tackle an issue that affects a good percentage of men and women. Regardless of age, sex, religion, creed, income and player status, people in society all have of in some way, shape or form a booty call. Here's the thing though, believe or not people, there are rules associated with a healthy "booty call relationship." Unfortunately, not every one is aware of them; hell I'm not sure I know all of them but the beauty in the SBG blog is that we can always keep adding to it. So before we discuss the rules, it's important that I lay down some definitions in order to avoid confusion.

Franchise Player: One must always differentiate when using the term franchise player because we can find the term in two sets of guidelines. The first one would be the Booty Call Guidelines (BCG) and the second one would be the Cheater's Guideline. In the case of the BCG, the franchise player is your #1 chick. She gets it done like no other and is very familiar with the rules. She knows how to play the game and never oversteps her boundaries and keeps you happy at all times. Usually, if you're thinking about a possible wifey, it's your franchise player. You will kill plans with any other woman on this list because your franchise player offers no headaches or complications. Things are simple. The franchise player is also known as your "LeBron James".

Superstar: Your friends like the superstar because she's cool and can hang with your boys whenever the "hanging out with the boys" and booty call time overlap (make sure it doesn't happen too often). Your superstar is extremely good at what she does and that's why you keep her around; however you and your friends know that she's missing that one thing that makes her your franchise player. For instance, she might take care of your every need and even go over and above all expectations but might not be able to leave when you want her to or might say some weird jealous things every now and then that creep you out. She knows how to come up big but can always choke in a big spot. The Superstar can also be referred to as the Carmelo Anthony.

Role player: Your role player is just that. You need her to know how to play her position. If the thing that makes her special is simply massaging your back, then when you're with her, the only reason you're there is to get your back massaged. Her skill set is fairly limited so you don't want her trying to do something she's not great at because she might mess it up. Then again, she might always have a career performance at doing something she's not good at, but you know not to expect it. The role player is also known as the Rashard Lewis.

Bench player: This one is pretty self-explanatory. If your franchise player is out of commission, your superstar is out of town and your role player is spending time with her family, you have to dig deep into your repertoire and get the lady with the least amount of skill and also a lack of understanding of the rules. Your bench player might be the type to catch feelings by the way, which is why you keep her at a distance. Quick fyi: More often then not, guys don't want their boys to see their bench player for fear of ridicule; she might not be all that attractive. The Bench player is also known as the Sam Cassell.

Injured Reserve (IR): This one is your last resort. If all of the previously mentioned players are unable to come through in the clutch for you, then you're stuck with your injured reserve player. The problem with you injured reserve is that she typically cannot follow the rules. She might want to stay and chill after, complain about the fact you never call her and that she misses you. That's why you try to keep her at bay. The Injured Reserve is also known as the February 29th, because you try not to see her all that often, preferably once every four years. Quick note: Believe it or not, your injured reserve player might be the toughest one to hook up with; because you rarely communicate with her, you might have to talk to her more then the others because she might not be happy about the fact you leave her on the shelf and only hook up with her when you need some.

Now that we have cleared up the definitions, how about we go into the rules; sounds good? Let's go.

Article I: You know me, but really you don't know me.
A booty call can know certain details about you like your name, height, hobbies and the like. But anything else is delving into deep conversations that might eventually lead to wifey type discussions like talking about kids, marriage and goals. There is nothing wrong with that if she's your franchise player because she has wifey type potential. But the Superstar, Role player and Bench player might see it as you sending her signals that you might want to settle down with her. So share only a bare minimum of information with her. You'll notice I didn't even mention the Injured Reserve here; that's because she only needs to know if she makes you climax, that's it.

Article II: What you do is what you do.
According to the BCG, men have no business asking women what they did and with whom they did it. I mean it's one thing to just ask about that thing was bothering her last week, but don't go asking her who she left the club with last night; that right there is grounds for suspension according to the BCG. So ladies, if a dude asks those types of questions, feel free to say that Article II of the BCG stipulates that the question is inadequate and unproductive.

Article III: Be honest
Men tend to think that women can't handle the truth; and therefore they tell chicks that they are not seeing anyone or that they feel a deep bond with the girl and see them as a potential girlfriend type. Mofos, please stop with that ignorant crap. If you're going to say things like that, please mean it. Because if you don't and then she catches you in a lie or with another girl that you're just doing; you end up looking like a jackass. All women want is to know where we stand. If you tell her you just want to hook up casually whenever with only one thing in mind, she might actually be more honest and open with you about things. Mind you, I do understand that she does not need to know what you do (Article I of the BCG) but if you must at least make the effort to make your intentions clear. The advantage: A potential superstar type might turn into a franchise player type because there are no games involved.

Article IV: Cluhb Swagger
Fellas, if you see her in the cluhb (for those that don't come here at the blog often, cluhb is purposely spelled that way to reflect the proper black pronunciation), don't come up to her like you guys see each other on the regular. She might have a prospect that she is in the process of courting and you might just be getting in her way. So don't come up to her with your cluhb swagger acting like you guys have a bond or something. The only acceptable gestures if you see her in the cluhb are a look and nod of the head, a pound or a dap. You can always go for the kisses on the cheeks but I would advise against it, it might raise your libido at that point in time and you don't want her rejecting you on the spot.

Article V: Phone rules
Guys in general hate talking on the phone but every now and then, the jealous ones might go overboard. So we need rules for phone use. Obviously the phone use varies depending on the player in question.
a. Franchise player
You may send her an unlimited amount of texts in the day because you guys are cool and get along pretty well, so she will not be creeped out. However you are not allowed to question the time that it takes for her to reply to your texts. With regards to calling, anything more then 4 calls in the day is excessive. Learn to check yourselves guys.

b. Superstar
No more then 15 texts in the day. Anything more then that might make her feel uncomfortable OR you might lead her to believe that she is your franchise player. The calls for your superstar stop at 3 in the day; but not every day of the week.

c. Role Player
Your role player is entitled to no more then 6 texts in the day. You're playing with fire if you send more. As for the calls; try to limit them to 2 calls on any particular day, she might start getting ideas if you call too often. The ideas she might be getting aren't necessarily good ones.

d. Bench Player
The limit here is 4 texts; if you send her more, you might end up making her think that you guys are more then what you are. Don't forget, if she's your bench player, you might be her bench player as well, so you might be annoying her and she might be inclined to get rid of you. You can call your bench player no more then once in the day; and yes it counts in your call log if you're only calling to say you're on your way. The only exception that would allow more then one call is if you get lost on your way to her place.

e. Injured Reserve
You're only allowed to text your injured reserve player 3 times in the week. Those texts should look like this:
-You free tonight?
-Wanna hook up?
-It's been a while...I'm close to your place.
-How's your friend [insert name here]?

Article VI: The Alaska Rule
Way back when, the U.S.S.R. were not aware of all the gold that was located on the territory of Alaska; so they decided to make a deal with the United States and sell off the land to them. Once the land had been sold, the U.S. started exploring the territory and struck gold. But at that point in time, the Soviets could no longer reclaim the land. Where is this going you wonder? Simple, if your friend hooks up with a woman and gives her a status (franchise, superstar, role, bench or injured reserve), as his homeboy you are forbidden to even approach that woman. That territory has been claimed.
Special exemption: If this same dude asks you to run the train on her or offers (without you asking) to hook you up with her, you may then proceed to lay the groundwork for the hook up. Please be advised though, if your friend is willing to trade her off to you, think hard about it. Is this a good trustworthy friend? Have you done him wrong in the past? Does he know you did him wrong? It could be a set up.

Article VII: The 112 rule
Biggie said it best: "Room 112, where the playas dwell"; but in this case that's not what we're going for. The 112 rule revolves around the word "love". Guys are forbidden to say the word love in direct correlation with a woman they are hooking up with. There are only three exceptions:
-Saying you love her at the point of climax is totally acceptable
-You're joking with your franchise player
-You're singing T-Pain's I'm in love with a stripper.
Any other situation in which you say it makes things weird and changes the whole scope of the relationship.

Article VIII: Peek performance
Women might not be happy to hear this, but men may occasionally have several hook ups with different women in the same day (don't hate the player ladies, hate yourselves for putting out lol). However, in the event that guys do this on a specific day, it is always important to be able to give a peek performance. So for instance, if your average performance is that of Randy Moss (flawless), then you have to give your hook ups a Moss. Anything else is unacceptable. If you're going to have multiple booty calls, you have to follow the Code and act like a professional. There are only a few scenarios in which it is permissible for you to not Moss her:
a. You were with your Franchise Player or Superstar earlier in the day and now you are with your injured reserve player; your IR player can get a Terrel Owens (average) performance.
b. You were with your Franchise Player or Superstar earlier in the day and now you're hooking up with your Role Player.
Any other scenario calls for you to Moss it out.

Article IX: The MJ Rule
Michael Jordan is the best basketball player that has ever lived. He was dominant, confident, knew how to lead and knew how to conduct himself in the spotlight. Fo all intents and purposes, he was the best. Michael had one problem though; he was stubborn. After retiring, MJ came back and wanted to dominate again and show he was still the best. It worked once. The second time around, he came back with the Washington Wizards and tried to bring the team to the playoffs. However, some would argue that that comeback was a flop. The reason? Those same people (even I was one of them) argued that Michael had overstayed his welcome. He just did not know when it was time for him to leave. This starting to make sense guys? When you go to your booty call's place, you have to know when it's time for you to leave. Don't try and stay to catch the game at her place, she's got stuff to do in the morning; hell she might have to do her own Franchise Player in the morning, and your Injured Reserve ass is cock blocking her from getting her rest. So guys, unless she's your Franchise Player, you are forbidden from staying an extra 30-40 minutes after the fact. The BCG dictates that you have 25 minutes maximum to dipset your ass out of there after you've Mossed her. The only acceptable reason for you not leaving (if the grade is Superstar or lower) is that you didn't Moss her and she's ok with you staying for round 2.

Article X: The Kobe rule
I am not one to make fun of peoples misfortunes........Who am I kidding, that's exactly what I do. Remember when Kobe was accused of sexual assault? He went before the media and held a press conference in which he seemed unprepared for the situation. He got his wife a $4 million dollar ring and at the press conference seemed like an emotional wreck as he cried through the press conference and said things that were very Kobe Bryant-like (which means weird). In addition, his wife then purposely leaked a story (was either fictional or factual) about how Karl Malone was hitting on her. Kobe then lossed it and went before the media and acted a fool about it. The point I'm trying to make is that women don't wish to see that ish from their booty call. A booty call is supposed to be drama free. So fellas, don't go over to her place, sleep with her and then start whining or crying because she acted like she didn't know you at the cluhb. It's time to man up guys, women are tired of hearing you complain about relationship type things when they are not in a relationship with you. Catching feelings is a definite no no unless it happens with your Franchise Player. Only she is equipped with the tools to deal with these things because she has a good grasp on how to talk to you and deal with you. The other ones can't deal with it and quite frankly don't care much to hear it. If you mess up the Kobe rule, there are two possible results:
1. She had feelings for you and feels compassionate about you and becomes your wifey;
2. She drops this line on you: "Looky here playa, I'm not feeling this..." and then proceeds to tell you she can't hang with you anymore. You complain and say that you're good with things and you just had a lapse, then she says she met someone, hoping that that line gets rid of you. Then you spaz; and nothing good happens when you spaz.

Article XI: The Nate Dogg rule
Nate Dogg has always been known as The Guy when it comes to making a guest appearance on a track. Normally artists give him the chorus to work with and he usually ends up killing it, thus making the song a hit. Think back to songs like Talib Kweli's "Oh no", Warren G's "Regulate", Fabolous' "You Can't Deny It" and 50 Cent's "21 Questions" ; Nate knows how to come in second on a beat. I bring this up because every now and then, guys hook up with married or involved women (I'm not here to pass judgement by the way), but can't accept coming in second. Women that cheat obviously have their reasons and problems; but they don't need you to add to those problems. So if you're the booty call of an involved woman, forget your pride and all that; you come in second (if not third). She needs you even less then a single woman who's put you on injured reserve; you're just a convenience to her, so check yourself and don't forget that Article IX (Kobe Rule) in this case might get you kicked out, beat up or worse yet shot. Believe me, if your dumb ass catches feelings and her hubby finds out because you did something incredibly stupid like call her house phone, don't expect to be at the next Katt Williams show.

There you have it folks, the 11 articles of the Men's Code of Conduct according to the BCG. Keep in mind though, this list is a work in progress, which means I can always add additional rules in there. Please leave me feedback if you have any, and be on the lookout for the Women's Code of Conduct. One last thing: which booty call are you?